Superman Through the Ages! Forum

There was a thread on here a long, long time ago about what everybody here would do if they were Superman.

Most of the posts were interesting and insightful, though it felt sometimes like everybody was trying to one-up each another with good deeds, like "feed the hungry of the world" or "eliminate nuclear weapons," instead of being honest about what we REALLY would do. After all, the question was what you would do if you were Superman, not Miss America.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for bringing hot meals to old people and helping sick kids walk again and all that.

But alas, I'm a far, far weaker and more corruptible man than the unconquerable Superman.

So, here's what I'd do if I were Superman:


1) Bring lingerie models to the Fortress of Solitude, and impress them with the World's Largest Pearl, the metal eating mole, and the lava jacuzzi. And then, when they're totally euphoric about my stuff, casually drop into conversation a phrase like, "You know, one of my superpowers just happens to be...Super-Love" or "Who wants a Super-Backrub?"

2) Use Super-Breath to smoke six or seven cigars at the same time (Superman's sense of taste probably gives him a much more extraordinary appreciation for tobacco)

3) I think I may have hallucinated this, but didn't Superman have a giant 50 foot pinball machine? Or maybe that was in the Batcave? Either way, I'm so playing with that.

4) Jerk around the Phantom Zone criminals. (Hits the white button to release a criminal) "Good news, Kru-El! Looks like you're eligible for parole!" "Bwahahaha! At last, free of this accursed prison!" "Oh, whoops, my bad, looks like I dropped a decimal point or two there from your sentence. See you in a seven-hundred and forty years! Heh heh..." (Hits the black button to send him back)

5) Keep chocolate cookies in the hidden pocket of Superman's cape.

6) Go on a tour of wine country. Which wine country, you ask? ALL of them! Italy, Spain, Northern California, Bordeaux in France. And I'm *SUPERMAN,* so I'd get the VIP treatment, naturally. "Sacre Bleu! C'est monsieur Superman! Bring forth ze finest merlot at once!" Though I'd have to build a robot car to chauffeur me, though, so I don't drink and fly.

7) Take the Metal Eating Mole with me on a leash when I go to the beach. Can you say, "babe magnet?"

8) Covertly and subtly use heat vision and superbreath in secret to make sure that the New York Knicks never win anything, ever. I'd be long dead of Kryptonite Poisoning before I see that happen!

9) On stress-filled days, give the Bottle City of Kandor a therapeutic shake. "Sorry guys, that must have been a freak earthquake or something, whoa." "At the North Pole? Hey, don't snow job us, Superman! We're an advanced civilization millions of years ahead of Earth for crying out loud! ...Don't make us come out there!"

10) Expose myself to Red Kryptonite for "recreational purposes." Can you think of a better way to spend 24 hours than as a giant frog? Me neither.

11) Finally, if  I can travel the universe from one end to the other - I would spend some time looking for God. Where is he? He must be somewhere in the cosmos, as big as it is. Can I speak to him and get my questions answered? And - because I *am* Superman - can I hold him accountable for his occasional indifference to human beings?



Some things I would NOT do if I was Superman:

Build robots to help protect the earth while I'm away. Seriously, what are the odds those things are going to go psycho and start killing all humans?

Help people move. After all, if my friends grew dependent on me every time they needed a couch moved around, wouldn't I be stifling the eventual destiny of the human race?

I wouldn't get involved in politics, not just because I don't want to discuss my personal political beliefs on this board, but because I don't need the grief from the smear campaigns to end all smear campaigns. My God, can you imagine "Shrunken Kandor Veterans for Truth?" Oy.

Have anything resembling a relationship with Lois Lane. Sure, she's FINE - especially when done by Dave Cockrum. But she's really, really clingy, and see, I don't need that. I'd rehearse that "because of who I am I can never have a wife" speech to the point of memorization.

Hahaha, thanks JulianPerez, reading that was a great way to start the day.  :lol:

I'll post my list when I'm not so pressed for time. Again, good job. :)

On one point, canon states you'd be wrong trying to use Superman's powers like that: Smoking.  On at least two occasions, Superman's made it very clear he does not enjoy the smell of smokers.

During Superman's Day of Truth, to memorialize Krypton's hero, Val-Or, he was compelled to say the truth to Perry that his cigars smelled like a garbage dump to him.

In the Bronze Age in a Private Life of Clark Kent story, he bought a smoking jacket and a complete set of smoking paraphernalia, thinking he might be missing something that smokers enjoyed.  He earnestly tried to smoke the cigarette for several panels.  Then, he came up coughing out the vile fumes with a look of the greatest disgust I've ever seen Swan/Anderson put on his face.  One of his thoughts was if his lungs weren't invulnerable, they'd be curdled.

Superman does not enjoy smoking.

Anyway, smoking is an acquired habit forced more by peer pressure than actual enjoyment.  I myself have tried to smoke on two occasions and had the exact same reaction as Kal-El.  It must be much worse for him since his super-senses amplify his perception of every little toxin in that smoke.  And his super-intellect makes him acutely aware of how bad this stuff is.

I know exactly what I'd do. First, I'd use the powers selfishly to do whatever I want. After a while I'd feel guilty and start using the powers in a more altruistic fashion. I'd probably end up completely changing the world, like Miracleman did.

On the flipside, I wouldn't really trust anyone else with that kind of power--unless they were completely unselfish, like Superman.

To be brutally honest, I would try to help as many people as I could, but unlike Superman I would also help myself as well.

I think most people would do the same thing. That's part of what makes Superman special. He's arguably the most altruistic super-hero ever.

If I were Superman, I'd do all the things Superman does.

If I had the powers of Superman, I'd turn into some sort of super-Luthor.

I'd fly every place on Earth I haven't yet been but always wanted to go.  And after I'd absorbed all of that, I'd leave Earth behind and travel trackless space looking for new sights and experiences.

I certainly wouldn't waste any time being Clark Kent.  Having been human 40 years already, I wouldn't put up with it any longer. :-)

If I were Superman, I'd do Superman-like things. I would be in New Orleans right now, and I would be saving loads of money on gas.

I would live in the rainforest in Belize and work here. I would definitely take that metal-eating mole for a spin.

One area where I would differ from Superman: he always respected the earthly authorities, even when they were wrong. Not me...if politicians kick people out of their homes, fine. I burn their homes down too. Ignore poor people, and I'd make you poor.

I would be a mean, robin-hood version of Superman.

Great post, Julian, thanks.

New Orleans is below sea level.  I would repair the dikes that had been succesfuly protecting the city - succesfully protecting, that is, until 6 years ago, when all funding for the Army Corp of Engineers (whose responsibility it is to maintain them) was cut by the President.

I would bring other political crimes to light.

I would spend a lot of time in my arctic Fortress of Solitude working on Superman Through the Ages!

I'd do a lot of travelling (to every place on Earth, to the other planets in the Solar System, and to other extra-solar bodies) for my own pleasure and to further scientific knowledge; and I'd use my Super Brain to learn every language ever used by the human race, including the dead and dying ones.

:s:

Changing stories and characterization aside, I can't imagine having the powers and not taking up the same challenges...

as Superman. :shock:

I agree, ever since I was a little kid I've aspired to be as noble, as honourable, as honest, as loving, and as tolerant as Superman. I probably haven't done too well over the years, but it never stops me from trying. It really is amazing how vivid things from our youngest days shape us. Boy, how Hallmark was that? :lol:

My God, can you imagine the DVD parties on that giant screen on the Super-Univac? Though first thing I'd do is replace all the "Captain Kirk" looking chairs with rich, Corinthian leather.



Good point, Nightwing - no matter what great sights are on earth, odds are there are some even better ones in space. Mon-El was really on to something with his space exploration deal. Don't forget the alien chicks - Captain Kirk sure didn't!





The saddest thing I can think of about New Orleans is that it didn't REQUIRE a Superman to prevent or a Superman to alleviate, just maintained public works and an immediate national response.



Vivos Esperanto enterne, gesknaboj!

This is an interesting one to bring up, Great Rao. One of my hobbies is Estonian/Finnish culture, and my lifelong dream to be done between now and before I die is to translate the Kalevipoeig (the Estonian National Poem) into English - a job hindered by the fact that Estonian is about as hard as you probably think it is.

Superman of course, would get something like that done on his coffee break.

Oh, and one more thing: If I was Superman, I'd get a hang of that whole vibration between dimensions trick so that I can visit the SCIENCE NINJA TEAM GATCHAMAN (aka BATTLE OF THE PLANETS) and hang out with them, and possibly see if they'll let me pilot their vehicles.

Good point, I'd forgotten about that!  But which films would you watch, and whom would you invite?


Certe. ;)


An admirable goal.  Have you read Don Rosa's Uncle $crooge adventure, "The Quest for Kalevala"?

:s:

This is such an embarassing thing to admit, but that's actually the source of my interest in that region of the world. The Uncle Scrooge story, and the old early AD&D DEITIES & DEMIGODS book that had the gods of Finland, back when they used to have tons and tons of pantheons in one book.

Believe it or not, I actually read that Scrooge story in Italian: a relative that worked for the United Nations brought me some of the old GRANDI CLASSICI DISNEY, which were these digest sized books as thick as a phone book starring Goofy and Scrooge McDuck or "Zio Papperoni" or somesuch. I couldn't read Italian, but I knew Spanish which is very similar to Italian, and so combined with the pictures I could piece together what was going on.

The other thing I remember about the GRANDI CLASSICIs was that they had ads for Italian fruit candies in back that I had never heard of, which sounded absolutely vile.

You mean the Kalevipoeg  :wink:
Jüri Kurman is the only person to translate it into english, so far. Sadly it is OOP.

If I were Superman, I'd want to learn all the languages to do more than translate Estonian into English so I could add the umlauts in the right places in the old Deities & Demigods books.  :)  

I'd want to learn enough to identify and get all these "world leaders" in a room and working out their differences.  I'd want to know enough to have robots do the translating.  For that matter, I wouldn't want the world to know that a SuperMAN as such really even exists.  Let the world think robots from outer space are intervening to try and keep humanity from blowing itself up, or somesuch.  The sight of a billion people chanting "Klaatu barada necktie" would be awe-inspiring, I'm sure.

For the record, Uncle Mxy, there is nothing frivolous or pointless about umlauts, as many eighties hair bands will tell you.



Or, better yet, in the words of Gary Larson, "put them in a jar with holes at the top, shake it, and see if they'll fight!"



Hey, it worked for Astro Boy.

Although - show of hands: who would use their powers in secret vs. using their powers openly if they were in fact, Superman? Because both approaches have their pros and cons:

Keeping Powers Secret: You get to trick and play gags on people at a level never before seen. And nobody could possibly complain, because who could ever believe the cause of things is superpowers? "No, I couldn't possibly have melted that 20 foot ice sculpture you had made of yourself, Ted Turner - what, you think I have 'laser-vision' or something?" Great choice if you're the type that loves laughing on the inside.

Using Powers Openly: Enjoy the movie-star level adulation from a grateful world, and it allows participation in high visibility crisis events. And it isn't like you're getting hollow praise from bootlicking sycophants for doing something mediocre, like win a game show - you're Superman, saving the earth from Lava Men!

Something else that I'd do would be inventing new devices and donating them to the public. That way they wouldn't need me to save them as much.  :wink:

See my comments above about "robots going psycho."

The seatbelt has been pretty much unchanged for the past 30 years, surely there's got to be some SUPER-way to make them work better.

Maybe forcefields to prevent oil from spilling from tankers and contaminating wildlife?

In the immortal wisdom of Jack Handey: "Why not just put a parachute on the plane itself? Is anybody listening?"

How about a flea collar that actually gets rid of fleas? Sure, it doesn't help out mankind, but it'd make a bunch of pooches happy.

I remember reading somewhere about how Alexander Graham Bell invented a means to talk on a beam of light. I wonder whatever became of that invention...

Speaking as someone with a little experience here and there using MADYMO and PAM-CRASH simulating auto crashes and restraint systems, the geek in me wants to type out a horribly long-winded "you're mostly wrong" kind of response and I'm fighting it with all my non-Kryptonian might.  But I'll just say that really, there's nothing "super" needed technology-wise.  Put a sensor in the driver's side seatbelt buckle.  Tie it into the electronics of the car such that you can't get the car out of "Park" while the engine is running without having the seatbelt on.  As an added bonus, tie a proximate breathalyser sensor to the shoulder strap.  A Superman would help more with political will than technology in this particular arena.  

Hmmm...  how often do we ever see Superman doing "public service announcement" commercials in the context of the comic book world?  

"I can bend steel in my bare hands."
[girder bends]
"I can change the course of mighty rivers."
[insert footage of Superman saving the Mississippi]
"But I can't stop telling random reporters glib lines like 'Miss Lane, statistically speaking, flying is still the safest way to travel'.  I'll keep the air safe
[footage of Superman saving the space shuttle and Air Force One]
But I need you on the ground to do your part.  Wear seat belts.  Don't drive drunk.  Be a hero.

Thank you.  Up, up, and away..."

Really busy at work these days but a quick quip for Uncle Mxy:

To put it the way I saw it on a "Social Engineering Specialist" T-shirt:

"There is no patch for human stupidity."